America gets treated to fourteen days of Bob Costas every two years. With that kind of math, no wonder I forgot to DVR the Opening Ceremonies!
Canadians like regulations. Therefore, I am not expecting as good of a show as Beijing, since they can't get away with paying Chinese people a fistful of fortune cookies for twelve weeks of work.
--We learn that America isn't the only nation that drags out its Indians for big events and forces them to dance around in costume. Canadian Natives also had things like culture and tradition before we told them where to live and made them sell us cheap cigarettes.
-- We learn that people you assume are American, are actually Canadian. Like Donald Sutherland.
--Giant bear pops up. ?
--The only thing that appears to be missing are crying SPCA dogs. I wish they were sitting on Sarah McLachlan's piano.
-- Quebec is the Texas of Canada, meaning, they threaten to secede every three months and generally speaking, are a giant pain in the ass. Therefore, it is only fitting to have a man dressed like a wolf playing the fiddle as their tribute.
--Again, we are reminded that people we thought were American are actually Canadian. Like Joni Mitchell. Singing that song from Love Actually. Where Emma Thompson cries with her gunt.
-- Some skiing thing. Totally didn't know Vancouver was a person.
-- Slam poetry. Are you fucking serious?
--Yes, they are serious, and the guy makes it a point to say Zed. I bet Canadian officials are wishing they smuggled in a thousand Chinese to bang drums for an hour instead of giving this fucking guy health insurance.
-- Bob Costas tells me that eight Canadian legends will be holding the Olympic flag. But where is Jillian from the Bachelorette?
--Donald Sutherland!
--But no Celine Dion. Or Justin Bieber. What kind of legends are these?
-- One minute of silence for luger. Why didn't they have Sarah McLachlan and the SPCA dogs sing "I will remember you" instead?
--Everyone forgets they are sad because Wayne Gretzky shows up. Yay!
-- Something is supposed to happen, because everyone looks awkward.
--Matt Lauer and Bob Costas keep telling us the Canadians have fucked up in some way, but they aren't sure how. But all of this would have been so much better if we got into a time machine and traveled to Beijing in 2008.
--Finally something happens!
--Sean Texts me: Ice Penises
--Me: One ice penis apparently couldn't get it up.
--Sean: It's hard when it's cold
--Me: How Canadian to make everyone equal even though everyone only cares about Wayne Gretzky.
--Wayne gets into the back of a truck. Scott Brown is driving.
-- Sean: Look at these drunk aholes
--Me: When does Johnny Weir get a show @ Don't Tell Mama?
Canadians like regulations. Therefore, I am not expecting as good of a show as Beijing, since they can't get away with paying Chinese people a fistful of fortune cookies for twelve weeks of work.
--We learn that America isn't the only nation that drags out its Indians for big events and forces them to dance around in costume. Canadian Natives also had things like culture and tradition before we told them where to live and made them sell us cheap cigarettes.
-- We learn that people you assume are American, are actually Canadian. Like Donald Sutherland.
--Giant bear pops up. ?
--The only thing that appears to be missing are crying SPCA dogs. I wish they were sitting on Sarah McLachlan's piano.
-- Quebec is the Texas of Canada, meaning, they threaten to secede every three months and generally speaking, are a giant pain in the ass. Therefore, it is only fitting to have a man dressed like a wolf playing the fiddle as their tribute.
--Again, we are reminded that people we thought were American are actually Canadian. Like Joni Mitchell. Singing that song from Love Actually. Where Emma Thompson cries with her gunt.
-- Some skiing thing. Totally didn't know Vancouver was a person.
-- Slam poetry. Are you fucking serious?
--Yes, they are serious, and the guy makes it a point to say Zed. I bet Canadian officials are wishing they smuggled in a thousand Chinese to bang drums for an hour instead of giving this fucking guy health insurance.
-- Bob Costas tells me that eight Canadian legends will be holding the Olympic flag. But where is Jillian from the Bachelorette?
--Donald Sutherland!
--But no Celine Dion. Or Justin Bieber. What kind of legends are these?
-- One minute of silence for luger. Why didn't they have Sarah McLachlan and the SPCA dogs sing "I will remember you" instead?
--Everyone forgets they are sad because Wayne Gretzky shows up. Yay!
-- Something is supposed to happen, because everyone looks awkward.
--Matt Lauer and Bob Costas keep telling us the Canadians have fucked up in some way, but they aren't sure how. But all of this would have been so much better if we got into a time machine and traveled to Beijing in 2008.
--Finally something happens!
--Sean Texts me: Ice Penises
--Me: One ice penis apparently couldn't get it up.
--Sean: It's hard when it's cold
--Me: How Canadian to make everyone equal even though everyone only cares about Wayne Gretzky.
--Wayne gets into the back of a truck. Scott Brown is driving.
-- Sean: Look at these drunk aholes
--Me: When does Johnny Weir get a show @ Don't Tell Mama?
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