Relajante (as in Relax!)

Hola from DR once again...
here's a little tale called "all-inclusive", whereas our hero & heroine, we'll call them Pajuil & Pajuila, since that is how you say, "peacock" in espanol... discover dried blood on the mirror in their room, as in, perhaps this is the type of all-inclusive where Dominican drug lords bring their mules to crap out pellets full of cocaine...how Maria, Full of Grace! at first, this seems exciting, but then we realize it's probably because some German cut themselves shaving while staying in the same room in 1998, and they never bothered to replace the mirror...and then a large winged Dominican bug flew into my left eye and decided to not fly out of my eye and live, but rather, stay embedded in my lower retina and die a pained and completely voluntary death, and I needed to dump an entire case of bottled water in my eye to flush it out...in which, it looked to many that perhaps my puffy face was part of a small clause in Ike Turner's Last Will and Testament, to which I thought of perhaps fashioning an eye patch for myself out of a condom, like Lisa Left Eye Lopes, who died in DR...or was it Costa Rica? Whatever, same thing....but I am distracted from constructing an eyepatch, because lo and behold...large Britsh man in a purple Speedo tells us that Heath Ledger died! WTF, God? But actually, my better half admits to being relieved that it isn't Jake Gyllenhaal being carted away by an NYC Trauma Unit. So, that made us sad for about three minutes, however, about halfway into the third minute of being sad, we remembered our own misery, and went about being super pissy, since we paid for an ocean front room, yet they decided to give us a room that overlooked the dumpster filled with rotting vegetation.
Que Fantastico!