You can never go home.

You just can't. You might think you can but you're wrong.

I went to homecoming this past weekend. My college - Prayalot University - decided to host our 5 year reunion during homecoming, which kind of annoyed me because by this weekend we were really at 5 and a half years. I was asked to join the homecoming and reunions committee which I dutifully did, although I didn't actually do any of the work required. I just wanted it to say "Reunions Committee" under the "Hi my name is ExPage, B.A 2002" sticker I would be given. I volunteered to work the check-in table at the pre-game tent party, even though I had already payed $25 to go. Call me Super Alum. I checked in no one I knew. No one from my class showed up. Except the people I dragged.

The football game sucked. Don't they all? Well, at a D3 school they do. Right before the new Homecoming King and Queen were announced, I sat down with a former classmate of mine who was at the game with her 2 beautiful daughters. Maisie was 4 and Ashley Lou was 1. I informed Maisie that all the candidates for king and queen were fakes. Yours truly was the real king. I was homecoming king in 2000 with my beautiful queen - and now former roommate - Queen. I pointed out Queen to Maisie and informed her that in addition to me being the REAL king, Queen was the real queen. Maisie turned to her mother, and I kid you not, goes, "Mommy, I thought Jesus was King."

Prayalot University.

I took a gulp of the Coors Light that I had skillfully hidden in my back pocket, smiled, and went back to my perch on the bleachers.